Ibiza

"I watched young, cosmetically-enhanced girls gyrate to Techno music as a group of hormonal German lads took photos of the No Photography sign. This is San Antonio. A resort that manages to be both massively over-sexed and riotously un-sexy at the same time."

Airports are like their parent city in microcosm, a good barometer of what to expect from your holiday. Barcelona International is all asymmetrical lines and wide, clean walkways, busy but never rushed. Heathrow is over-priced, over-crowded and shambolic, an appropriate introduction to the capital. Ibiza Airport – like the island it serves – is compact and relaxed, and full of exhausted, sun-burned British. Over the entrance is a large neon sign that reads ‘Ibiza – Eivissa’, like the entrance to one of the island’s famous superclubs. The whole island is the venue.

I was greeted at arrivals by a row of sweaty and bored-looking holiday reps holding crumpled bits of card with names scribbled on in thick black marker. The piece of card that read James Crouchman was being held by Lía, the hostel proprietor with whom I had been conversing for the last several weeks via email. Firstly, she had missed the r out of Crouchman, so my second name now read like a piece of luxury furniture. Secondly, she looked nothing like the young and pretty Spanish girl I had imagined sitting on my computer. She was older, for a start, and had bronzed, rough skin, possibly from overexposure to Ibiza’s twin assaults of sun and Class-A drugs.

Lía and I sat on the pavement outside waiting for two more hostel guests to land on a flight from Newcastle. Lía sat sucking on a spliff and talking in long drawls as I explained the etymology of ‘Geordie’ and ‘Hen Night’. She drove back on Ibiza’s dusty, roadwork infested roads at break neck speed, and I thought back to the final email I had received from her before my flight:
“Dear James,
I look forward to pick you up. I hope my car becomes fixed, after I crashed last week and nearly injured seriously a pedestrian.”
I looked to my left and saw the Geordies – wedged between two suitcases and without a seatbelt – cross themselves twice.
*

First things first. Ibiza has a reputation. Of course it does. Admitting to a circle of intellectual friends that you are going there always provokes the same reaction. It’s just not what nice middle-class people do. And this is what makes Ibiza such a wonderful holiday destination. There are no pretensions, just good times. The broadsheet reading yummy mummies stop at Barcelona. Those who board the connecting flights from the mainland to Ibiza are after simple pleasures – sun, sea and sticky fornication.

The boisterous port of San Antonio is where this reaches saturation point. The West End of the town consists of row upon row of bars with crude names where young Britons drink, grope and vomit at discount prices. The music here is slowly changing, banging house and trance being replaced in many bars with Brit-rock and Indie music, but the ethos remains the same. Scratchy guitars or drum machines, people here still party all night, and then roll out at five in the morning to purchase a greasy takeaway from one of the many high-street style fast-food chains, like a more humid Blackpool, or Wigan with palm trees. In San Antonio I was lured into a back alley strip club with promises of cut-price admission fees and all inclusive shots, bottles of lager and lap-dances. Here I watched young, cosmetically-enhanced girls gyrate to Techno music as a group of hormonal German lads took photos of the No Photography sign. This is San Antonio. A resort that manages to be both massively over-sexed and riotously un-sexy at the same time.

Ibiza Town, the capital of the island and by far the more bustling and industrial of Ibiza’s two main resorts, is similarly blessed with a plethora of clubs offering potential debauchery. Here, hedonism seeps through the streets, but more of the affluent, sexy, continental-style hedonism as opposed to the cheap-and-cheerful lager-lout shenanigans found in San Antonio. Pacha – the only Ibizan club open all year round – is the town’s premier hotspot. It holds up to 3000 people, most of whom are either beautiful, firm, wealthy or some combination of all three. If clubland in Ibiza can sometimes resemble provincial England at chucking out time, Pacha is a class above – a genuine institution with a classy clientele and high prices to match.

Ibiza Town makes an excellent base for your stay on the island, as it offers plenty of opportunities to escape the heat and hustle that can sometimes become oppressive. On the day after the night before, I headed to D’alt Villa, the elegant walled old-town area that rises high above the town and offers stunning views over much of the island, as well as Ibiza’s tiny neghbour Formentera, the Kuwait to Ibiza’s Iraq, and a place populated by skeletal models and shipping magnates. It is an uphill trek through a warren of cobbled streets to the ruinous castle that sits atop D’alt Villa, but well worth the effort. Here – as Iberian Airlines bank over your head and descend into the airport – you really do experience a sense of breezy escapism and perfect contentment.

Ibiza is small, and therefore extremely manageable to the budget weekend traveller who nonetheless wants to explore. Taxis and buses are readily available and reliable, but by far the most enjoyable and stylish way to get around is to travel, Bond style, in one of the several water taxis – a network speedboats that offer a breezy alternative to the usual stuffy vehicles. Boats depart Ibiza Town for the beaches of Talamanca and Platja den Bossa to the North and South, and there are several that connect San Antonio to its neighboring resorts.

And it is worth exploring the island, and discovering for yourself why Ibiza holds such a magical spell over those who holiday there regularly. Salines Beach is one of the lovelier stretches of coastline, as well as one of the trendiest, and manages to combine the two things that Ibiza does so well: relaxation and pure pleasure-seeking. It is another resort packed full of extremely beautiful people; beautiful in that frustrating, couldn’t-be-arsed way that is so alien to the British, and serves as another reminder that Ibiza is not the best holiday destination for the more paranoid, image-conscious traveller.

Calla d’Hort, on the South-Western tip of the Island, is another beautiful, secluded stretch of beach. It overlooks the famous and always impressive mini-island of ‘Es Vedra’, a large, uninhabited (but for a few goats) chunk of rock two kilometers off Ibiza’s coast. As well as being the backdrop for the musical film South Pacific (and countless cliff-top wedding ceremonies), the stunning sunsets over Es Vedra have been an Ibizan must-see for several decades. Here I dined at Es Boldado, a paradisiacal restaurant that offered huge paellas and a fantastic sea-front location offering views of the beautiful surroundings.
*

I caught an early flight back to Barcelona. Ibiza Airport – again in keeping with the island as a whole – is pretty empty at 8am. The only signs of life that I encountered were four dazed Northern Irishmen who looked as if they hadn’t slept an hour since their country’s famous victory against Spain two days earlier. People don’t seem to get up early in Ibiza. They have their priorities right.